


Lucas n°24

by deepwater_swimmer



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And By That I Mean, Angst, Coming Out, Could Be Canon, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lallemant-Demissy Siblings, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Lucas, Season 3, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger warning:, Vendredi 17:05, Vulnerable Lucas, Worried Manon and Mika, it's actually implied but still, more of a recovery work tbh, set right after episode 6, you know damn well what happened on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepwater_swimmer/pseuds/deepwater_swimmer
Summary: Lucas n°1 was hurting, but found himself surrounded with Mika and Manon, helping him get through all that was happening.Lucas n°24, however, was all alone and he couldn't take his rejection.He couldn't take any of it anymore.///Or: what did happen to another version of Lucas after coming out to Yann and being left alone at the bench.





	1. Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Since Hell Week from Skam OG, I've always wondered if Isak's character would have suicidal or harmful thoughts/actions. 
> 
> After watching Vendredi 17:05 and not having any news from Lucas, BOI I was worried, so to kind of calm down and also instigate my theories I wrote this. In the end it didn't happened, but it might as well had in another universe with another Lucas.
> 
> By all means I say, I love Yann okay? I've loved him since season 1 but he did messed up bad that day. But I'm not angry at him, not anymore at least.
> 
> This probably will have 6-10 chapters maybe I'm not sure yet, I tried to write this as dinamic and insightful as possible so the writing might feel a little different and the first chapters a bit too small but I hope you all enjoy it.

Breathing.

He never thought of breathing as something hard to do.

However, at age 16, Lucas soon realized it wasn't as easy as it has always been.

Getting up of that bench was easier said than done. He didn't even have the strength to breath at the moment, how could he have the strength to push himself up?

Maybe the truth is that he didn't want to have any of those strength.

Thoughtlessly.

That's how he got to the flat. He was thinking and counting every breath he took, but not his steps, so he just found himself in front of the door.

Quiet.

Lucas was a loud person. Has always been. Somehow he managed to enter the apartment quietly. His breathes have never been so quiet as when he walked through the corridor.

Long.

People always used to point out how he always took long breaths, how it seemed that he wanted to take each one at it's fullest. However, they wouldn't call it anything other than short as he stood in the bathroom floor.

Steady.

As he grew up, he became less and less steady. Always moving around, anxiety bursting through all his pores. It hadn't been different while opening the tap. While waiting the bathtub to fill.

Cold.

His mom always used to say that Lucas was warmth, she didn't mean it literally. He didn't liked cold, even if he was used to it. Whatsoever he believed he wouldn't ever get used to how cold this water felt.

Shakiness.

He was used to shaking. As a habit of anxiety or simply as a reaction to the wind. But he wasn't used to shaky breaths and sinking in the tub could only be described like that.

Peaceful.

Lucas hadn't felt like that in quite a long time. His mind was running all the time these days, telling him stuff he wished he could brush it off. But being underwater made him feel peaceful, he didn't know that feeling wouldn't stay for long though.

Numbness.

He had felt numb only a few times in his life. His father leaving. Failing his mom. Punching the gateway. Being left alone in the bench. Submerging in the tub, silencing _his_ rejection.

Burn.

It soon changed. Not breathing burned. It burned and it hurt. But the possibility of keep breathing hurt more.

A little longer.

Just a little longer and this pain would go away. Breathing wouldn't hurt anymore. Nothing would hurt anymore.

Weightless.

His muscles relaxed. He felt weightless, but his mind was running again.

Panic.

Panic filled his thoughts, he was going to die, this was going to be the end.

Near.

Lucas could feel the unconsciousness wrapping around him already. He took a breath unwillingly, water filling his lungs.

Noise.

Muffled noise. Watery noise. Too late noise.

_Lucas..._

Distant.

_Mikael! Call 112! Now!_

Gloom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the first chapter, let me know what you think and I'll try and update as quickly as possible 💕
> 
> P.S: I'm not a native English speaker so I'm sorry for any grammar errors bc sometimes they slip through the proofreads. I do plan to re-edit sometime so it's all correct one day but I don't actually know when. thx for reading!


	2. Effort

_Come on._   
  
_Come on Lucas, you can do it._   
  
Water.   
  
He was coughing water. This isn't how it should've been. He shouldn't be anymore.   
  
Warmth.   
  
Something warm weighed on his shoulder. A blanket. Not only that. Someone was there too. Holding him.   
  
_Breathe Lucas, Breathe._   
  
Her voice told him to breathe. He didn't wanted to, but he listened to it.   
  
Holding.   
  
Lucas was holding to the gloom. He wouldn't open his eyes, he couldn't. It would make it real.   
  
_Why?_   
  
Silence.   
  
He wouldn't answer. He wouldn't admit.   
  
_Why would you do that Lucas?_   
  
Trembling.   
  
His lips were trembling. Was it from the soaked clothes? Was it from the lump on his throat?   
  
_What happened kitten?_   
  
Shaking.   
  
He didn't wanted to shake anymore. He didn't wanted so many things. Didn't wanted to answer. Didn't wanted to make it real. Didn't wanted to make his new failure real.   
  
_Lucas, we are here for you. Tell us what happened._  
  
Small.   
  
Even if he did wanted to answer, he wouldn't be able to. It started as small as he felt. One choked sob. He couldn't hold the others after. 

Gasping.

It already hadn't been the easiest thing. His chest ached and contracted with every new wheeze his small body let out. It was so many of them that Lucas found himself gasping for air, it felt like the air couldn't reach his lungs before being let out on a new one.

Overwhelming.  
  
He felt overwhelmed. Even after all the heartbreaking sobs he let out. There was too much going on and his attempt to make it stop didn't worked.   
  
_You don't need to tell us now. But we are here for you, don't try this again okay?_   
  
Tired.   
  
Lucas felt tired. A different tired from earlier tonight. He actually just wanted to sleep. Just shut everything out for a while, not forever although.   
  
**Okay.** ****  
  
His voice sounded as broken as he felt. He was glad his eyes were still closed, because he couldn't make the effort to close them. He also couldn't make the effort to take his soaked clothes off or to get up and head to the couch. So he just drift off to a dreamless sleep right where he was, on the cold bathroom floor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was chapter 2, let me know if the dialogues are clear enough and I hope you all enjoy it and I'll try to update the sooner I can.


	3. Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings for all fellow people that still read this fanfic! 
> 
> I might have a bit of a delay on the next chapters as my mind is currently not in the best place for writing and posting, but I'll try as hard as I can to do so.
> 
> I hope everyone likes 'Real' and follow the next ones, I'm trying my best to make this a good representation of what Lucas n°24 has been through.

Gray.   
  
The ceiling was gray. Nor the bathroom or the living room had a gray ceiling. This was his room, although now it belonged to Manon. Lucas looked around, he was laying in the bed and his eyes stopped on his flatmates. He had a hard time focusing on what they were talking, but he eventually managed to do it.   
  
_...Call Yann? _ __  
  
_ Yeah, maybe we should. I'll take my phone. _ __  
  
**Please, don't.** ****  
  
His voice didn't even feel like it was his. It sounded so little and broken. Has it always been like this and he just never noticed it?   
  
_ What? Did you say something Mika? _ __  
  
**It was me... please, don't call him. Please.** ****  
  
Perhaps the worst thing wasn't the brokenness but the pleading in his voice.    
  
_ Okay kit... how are you feeling? _   
  
Lucas was starting to feel overwhelmed by the two of them, sitting on the bed with him but still away. He could sense them being careful, maybe they didn't wanted to push him. However he needed to be alone and overwhelmed Lucas can't really control himself.   
  
**I'm sorry.** ****  
  
_ What for? _ __  
  
**I took your bed. I should get back to the sofa.** ****  
  
_ There's no problem Lucas. You need it more than me. _   
  
**Did you carry me here? And my clothes...**   
  
He wasn't keen on remembering earlier, but he knew for a fact that he fell asleep on the bathroom floor and he sure hadn't been wearing warm and comfy pajamas.   
  
_ Mika carried you and we changed you from those drenched clothes... _ __  
  
**I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to be a burden.** ****  
  
Silence could be pleasant, but this wasn't the case. There was an elephant in the room, which no one wanted to mention it. He would soon find that Manon wasn't just letting it stay there.   
  
_ Lucas. Did you really tried to... tried to drown yourself? _ __  
  
Maybe he would think his tears were over, that he had already cried all of them. It didn't stand up, but at least he planned to keep them at bay now, apart from that solitary one that ran through his cheek after the question.   
  
_ You can't keep bottling things up, Lu. You don't have to go through any of that alone. It's not good for the head to keep these things inside.  _   
  
**I don't want to make it real.** ****  
  
_ What do you mean, my dear? _ __  
  
**Admitting it would make it real. Would make all of it real.** ****  
  
_ It needs to be real so you can deal with it and heal from it, kit. _ __  
  
The thing is Mika might be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he knows how to show he cares. Lucas, more than anyone, trusted him. Lucas needed to feel cared for. And Mikael changed his mind about opening up. Yet, he didn't feel like he could heal from this.

**I don't really think I can deal with this right now.**

_ That's alright. Just know we're here when you feel like you can. _

Maybe he did let some more tears to slide down his cheeks, but that's something he wouldn't admit. Mika kind rare words soothe his hearts, made him feels less lonely.

It was silent once again, allowing his head to wonder and think. He still felt somehow floating, even if he was out of the water now and that he wasn't even floating earlier. But the thing was his mind had been. Lucas wouldn't have taken that decision if his thoughts didn't feel blurred and suffocated, he might have his insecurities and wonders and somehow harmful thoughts, but he never thought he would let get this far. 

Lucas was still drifting around when Manon pulled his attention back to reality.

_ Umm Lucas? The paramedics told us what to do when we found you and I know that you might feel like there is nothing wrong now, but they made it very clear that even though you were conscient again we have to take you to the ER. _

He never liked hospitals. He is a very sensational person, because of that, the artificial and nauseating smell or the strong lights from the place always made him crazily uncomfortable since very small. Seeing that his mother occasionally was sent to the centre, he had his fair amount of bad experiences there.

**Do we really need to?**

_ Yes, kitten. You might feel okay physically, but there is no way for us to be certain that nothing was affected. And we can only help you to some point, you'll need professional assistance. _

He may not feel comfortable in medical care or surrounded by doctors, but Mika had a point. Something could be wrong and they wouldn't even know. He didn't want to worry his friends anymore.

**I guess it makes sense, are we going now?**

_ If you are ready, then we can call a taxi. _

**Okay, the faster we get finish with this the better.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to stay hydrated and watch Imane's season my dears 💞


	4. Drifting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, how long has it been right? I'm sorry I didn't post before, I think it will still take quite a time for me to finish this work but I plan on having at least 3 more chapters. Hope you all like this one!

After being attended by the doctor, Lucas was told that nothing threatening had been detected. However, he wasn't going to be discharged. He need to stay at least for the night, for any of the psychiatrists were on call and he has to have a consultation.

It'd been nearly an hour that him and Manon were waiting for his allocation. Of course he isn't sure about the time that he was unconscious, but as far as he knew, Manon hasn't left his side since founding him. Mika had left little time ago, trying to find something to keep him awake at 2 in the morning.

Although she was still holding his hand, Manon was sound asleep right after resting her head in Lucas's shoulder. He knew how tired she must be and that's why he felt bad for waking her up when someone from the hospital called his name.

As the nurse guided them to a room, he couldn't stop thinking how he would deal with his father’s questions when the insurance notifies him. He would probably care more about getting the refund than why Lucas would stay inmate for 3 days. 

He was pulled out of his mind by the clothes being handed to him. Apparently, even his shoelaces might be a way for him to attempt again and that's why he needed to wear only hospital attire, hand his phone and all other belongings.

Marianne, the nurse, told him to rest, because the psychiatrist would get there by 4am and as soon as he wake up he would be attended. He didn't thought that he would be able to sleep at all, still having some thoughts keeping his brain wide awake.

She also told him that because he was a minor, he could have one companion staying in the sort of couch as long as they were already an adult. He imagined that usually minors would be accompanied by their family, who would probably hold their hands or strike their hair while imagining where they had failed, what they could have done better to prevent all of this. He understood, however, that neither of his parents would do that. Maybe his mom would if she could, but she wasn't even aware of what he had done.

This trail of thought made his eyes water and his heart heavy on his ribcage. He decided than to focus on what was going on instead of his own little world.

After Marianne announced that, Mika said he would stay while Manon would come during visiting hours. Lucas chuckled quietly when he realised the irony on how some days before he had to sleep on the couch because of Mika, but now Mika was going to sleep on a couch because of him. Manon promised to come as soon as allowed and she left with teary eyes and all of his stuff.

Now that he was all settled down he noticed that against what he believed, he was feeling beyond tired, it didn't matter that he was asleep less than 2 hours before or that his mind wouldn't let him alone. 

Just as he laid on the bed and wished Mika a good night, his eyes fell heavy and in a second he was sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one was a bit short, but I'm trying to put Lucas' feelings on the structure as well. As you may have seen this was the first chapter to have bigger paragraphs bc now Lucas is more capable of organising his thoughts then on the previous ones. The following ones are planned to be bigger as Lucas continues to figure things out. Til the next one darlings 💕


	5. How many of them?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas finally talks to the hospital psychiatrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By now you all must have realised that I suck at giving name to chapters, but that's probably something that won't change. 
> 
> I hope everyone likes this chapter and let's get it on.

He woke up with Manon softly caressing his hair and soon after, a nurse, different from Marianne, brought him his breakfast. She notified that it wouldn't take long for the psychiatrist to come to talk to him.

While waiting, he easily slipped off to imagine how many Lucas were on the same situation as him. How many of them were being supervised at the hospital at this same moment. How many gave up after seeing the filled tub. How many didn't even thought of suicide. And how many didn't wake up after Mika pulled them out of the water.

His little multiverse could be comforting, but the many outcomes of that night turned even his safe place in a dangerous mindset.

_Is everything alright, Lucas?_

Maybe Manon realised his distress, because she was holding his hand again and looking at him with concerned eyes.

**I'm alright, I just got a little carried away.**

She brushed it off and Lucas decided to eat his breakfast before the doctor arrived. It was quite hard to eat with only one hand, but he still didn't took his below Manon's, it felt comforting in a simple way and he didn't wanted any complicated stuff at the moment.

Just as he took the jam from the tray, there were three knocks on the door. A stern looking woman stood on the doorway, holding up a clipboard.

_Good morning, I am doctor Arnoux and you are Lucas Lallemant, right?_

Lucas nodded as he set his food down, with a little sigh. He was really looking forward to eat.

_I will just ask some questions so we can understand better what is really happening with you, is that alright?_

**I guess it is.**

He was just making himself more comfortable on the bed when he felt a little pull at his hand. Manon had already got up and he knew she was going to leave. He didn't let her hand go.

_I'll just let you talk alone. I'll be back as soon as you're finished._

**I don't want you to go.**

_She can stay. If it's going to make you more comfortable, she can stay._

After the doctor said that, Manon sat quietly on her seat again, she looked a bit distraught that she took some of their time.

Dr. Arnoux first went through the technical information, like his age, school and parents. Lucas thought it was strange since he guessed she would know that already given his file, but maybe it was just part of the procedure. And that's when she started asking the real questions.

_Lucas, you can be completely honest with me, I assure you I am not here to judge you, I only want to understand what's on your mind so we can better help you. Now, here it says you have drowned, is that right?_

Lucas found out that this would be not only harder than he thought it would but he would also feel more uneasy than expected. He nodded with his head, already avoiding the medic’s gaze.

_And you have done that to yourself? Why?_

He felt Manon holding his hand a bit tighter, almost as to remind him that she was there for him. He remembered Mika’s words and how he doesn't want to put his friends to that kind of worry ever again. And so he speaks.

**It hurt so much. I felt like I couldn't breath, I didn't wanted to anymore.**

****_And why were you feeling like that?_

**He was always there for me, everytime I needed him. I never cry in front of people, but that was never a problem in front of him, maybe because we know each other since forever or because he's always felt like a brother. I don't know I guess I just expected... No, I needed him to be okay with it.**

****Maybe it would be clear for anyone that knows him that he was talking about Yann. They wouldn't need for him to mention his name or explain anything. He wouldn't need to fight the new forming tears to be able to answer with a quivering voice. But that was not the case and the psychiatrist soon asked who was “he”.

 **It's Yann. He has been my best friend for as long as I remember.** **And he left. He left me there alone, after I told him about everything. And I've been hurting for so long, but it was nothing if compared to see him leave. I couldn't breath, it still feels like I can't. It's almost like he always helped me to carry my baggage and then when I needed him the most, he threw them all over me. Everything is weighing me down and I... I just wanted to stop.** **  
**

Okay, maybe he wouldn't be able to stop his voice from quivering. Facing what really happened this past days felt like a punch in the gut and Lucas could already feel that his cheeks were no longer dry.

 _What is everything? What did you tell him?_   
  
**Eliott. I told him about Eliott and about my parents and I told him I am gay. Now, I wish I hadn't.**

 _And why would you wish that?_ _  
_

He has started fiddling since he said Eliott’s name and it just seemed like with every new second that arrived he had less space to think.  
  
**He is practically my brother. I was scared of telling, because I didn't wanted to lose him. I know I'm not the best on taking rejection, but it was worst than every scenery I imagined. Now, I don't have him and for what?**

_I am sorry Lucas, but I am not getting the whole picture. What exactly happened?_

**I asked to talk with him, which is something he had been wanting me to do for sometime. He had noticed something was up with me. And then I told him the problems I was having. That my mom is on the ward, that I haven't been sleeping properly for quite some time, that I met this boy, Eliott, who I've fallen in love with and that he got back to his girlfriend after I told him my deepest secrets and that Chloé, my ex-girlfriend, outed me on her party. It was okay at least in the beginning, but then he just went silent and I asked him what he was thinking. He said he couldn't do this, that he needed time, and he left. And now I can't stop wondering. I can't stop wondering if he is disgusted, if he saw the real me and hated it.**

_Listen carefully Lucas. I may not know your best friend, but from what it seems, I don't think he would have any reason to hate you. Something else might have happened for him to leave, I am not by all matters saying that what he did was right, but I’m sure he must have left for another reason._

He tried to look up when Manon started talking. Even if she seemed a bit blurred out, he could still hear and he figured it out that the sight of him must be really miserable based on the sound of her sniffles.

_I know Yann. And I'm sure he doesn't have any problems with gay people, he never had one with Mika. Doctor Arnoux must be right Lucas. Yann doesn't hate you or is disgusted by you._

**You weren't there, the way he looked at me. I know that kind of gaze Manon, it's disappointment. He hates me, I swear he does.**

Lucas was sure of something. He had never sobbed as much as this past month. He thought he wouldn't ever feel like that night again, but there it was. The hopelessness. The self hatred. That same panic that overshadowed his thoughts as the water filled his lungs.

_Lucas? Do you wish you were different?_

**I...**

He wished a lot of things, but right now what he most wanted was Dr.Arnoux to give him sometime. It's happening again, isn't it? Everything burns the same.

**I-I can't breath…**

It felt like he didn't have any space to do it, it didn't matter how much he tried to inhale, it was almost as his ribs couldn't expand, couldn't give his lungs the place to fill up with air. Is he going to really die this time?

_Lucas?... Listen… voice._

He didn't knew whose voice was that.

_Need… breath._

He's trying, but he can't.

_Breath… me._

He tried to listen to the voice.

_Inhale…_

It was shallow, but it was something.

_Exhale…_

The air hitting his knees, which he didn't even realised he had pulled up to his chest, felt somehow grounding.

_Again._

The voice, that now he recognised as Dr.Arnoux’s, repeated it a couple of times and it was like Lucas was coming back to reality.

_Lucas?_

**I’m okay.**

_Go easy, don't work yourself up._

As the doctor and Manon sat back at their seats, everything was silent. He doesn't know how long this took, but if someone told him it lasted for hours he wouldn't have any problems believing it.

_Lucas we will not go much further, but there is still something to be said._

**Okay.**

_Do you regret it?_

Does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated.
> 
> Stay tuned and hydrated, mecs.


	6. Your life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas discovers some important stuff about his stay at the hospital, also how healing words can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome aboard passengers, our trip is about to begin. Everyone should fasten their seatbelts because shit is about to get real. Hope everyone has a good read and I hope too see all of you on the next chapter.

72 hours.

That's how long he would have to say in the hospital. Nor the nurses or Dr.Arnoux used the term, but he knew what that was.

After lunch, Manon stayed with him for some time. They didn't chat a lot, he knew he didn't wanted to talk and he guessed she didn't too, especially following the morning events. She went home because she needed to do some projects for returning school and she only left when he assured he would be okay.

On the following hours Lucas would just confirm how much of a bore suicide watch could be. Staying confined into that whitish room and having no one to interact other than some occasional nurse that would come check him up were the right recipe to let his thoughts slip to a dark place. And he didn't wanted that. Therefore he left his mind slip to something else, a dream filled with raccoons, pianos and rain.

The not so needed sleep was interrupted by the lights in the room. His eyes took some time adjusting to it, for they were more closed during these days than anything else.

**Umm Marianne?**

At least a face he knew. He noticed the tray in her hands and he assumed that it was now dinner time, he remembered then how he never got to eat the bread with jam by the morning, how his appetite vanished after his panic attack and how he wondered while slipping in and off sleep if he would get supper.

_Good evening Lucas. How was your day?_

**Very boring to be honest. I just slept through most of it.**

The truth to be said was that today Lucas felt like the more he slept the more tired he got and he truly wasn't embarassed by the big yawns he left out even if he might seem impolite. Not even the food in front of him could make him more awake.

_Bernie said you stayed here all day. You're aware that you are allowed to get out, right? You can walk through the halls as long as someone from the staff can see you._

**I actually wasn't aware of that. I guess thank you for telling me.**

_That's my job kid. Umm... You have a friend waiting on the corridor, he didn't wanted to make you uncomfortable by watching you sleep, apparently. If you want, I can call him in._

**Yeah, that would be good. Thank you again Marianne.**

_You're welcome, I'll get him in._

It turns out dinner was more than what he would wait from a hospital. Not that hospital food was bad, just that when he had stayed inmate before, it tasted blend and it was usually some weird texture that he wasn't a fan of.

But now, he guessed he might not be on a restricted diet. After all, he wasn't sick. Not physically sick. Maybe a bit on the head, but he saw no reason to stay on a special one if he had no difficulties to eat. His taste buds were working just fine and they told him one thing. Home. The food reminded him of home. So long since he last tasted this feeling. The feeling he would always get with his mothers’ food. This feeling you would get when you can feel the care put onto something. The type of care his mom would put when making clafoutis on his birthday. Or when she kissed him goodbye. Or when she would give him beautiful knitted scarfs. Oh, God only knew how much he missed his mom.

_Kitten!_

Only now Lucas realised that the white noise was actually Mika knocking on the door.

**Hi Mika.**

_You're not hungry?_

He noted how his food was practically untouched, the little part he ate could totally go unnoticed. He thought on how even though he was dead hungry his mind took over again. How he wasn't as hungry anymore.

**No, not really… Do you want it?**

_Thank you kit, but there's no need. I already had something on the cafeteria and you should eat that, at least a bit._

**You're right.**

Mika sat at the couch while Lucas played with his food more than actually munched it. He wasn't even halfway through the plate when he decided he was done and pushed the wheeled table to the side of his bed. They probably would have stayed silent if Mika didn't decided to speak.

_Do you want to talk about the consultation?_

**Manon haven't told you yet?**

Lucas has probably said that sometime before in his life, but Mika had no sense of personal space, so him sitting only at the end of the bed, almost not touching Lucas’ feet, meant something. He was giving him space and he appreciated that, maybe that's why Lucas pulled his feet and sat cross legged or maybe he just felt like he needed someone closer to where this conversation might lead.

_She did. But I'm giving you the opportunity to speak for yourself._

**I never answered them. I never answered if I wished to be different.**

_Do you Lucas?_

**Honestly? Most of the time I do. I always wonder how many Lucas out there are perfect. And what I did to not be one of them.**

_Nobody is perfect Lucas. You know that being gay is not going to make you less than anyone._

Lucas felt that Mika was restraining himself and that's how he realised that what he said sounded a tad similar to back when he came out to Mika.

 **I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. By the way, I want to apologize for that day. I didn't put on the right way. I never meant to say that behaving like that is wrong or to undermine what they have been through to fight for our rights. I just meant that it wouldn't be okay for** **_me_ ** **to behave like that. I don't think I could ever be like that. Those people are so proud of who they are that they are not afraid of showing it, even if it puts them in danger. And I just don't think I can ever be proud of myself.**

Mika looked genuinely surprised, he probably wouldn't guess that Lucas would apologise for that, but his face showed something else. Guilty.

_I should have noticed. That you weren't doing good. It's just that I'm so used to hear those kind of speeches, but I still shouldn't reprimand you like that._

**No, don't say that. I needed to hear those things, even if I meant different. You didn't say anything wrong.**

_But I should have stayed. You needed someone to stay. It's just that you were so happy after Eliott that I kinda forgot how you still needed support. And more than that, I should have said something. When I heard you cry during the night. Or when I saw your hands or your red eyes. I should have been someone that you could trust enough to open up._

**It is not that I don't trust you Mika. I just… I needed to feel safe. I've always felt that I was somehow wrong you know? Way before I even thought about my sexuality. It's a bit like who came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know if it was the hatred or my father’s words, I just know that it got worse after last year. After what happened with my mom, the doubt was bigger, there was this new sense of failure. And every time I needed someone, I found myself with Yann. Every single time. I just knew he would be there, to make me feel safe, to push the loneliness away. But it was different now. Something had changed inside me and I was scared I would lose him too, that this wasn't going to be something he would understand and accept. I mean, he accepted everything that was wrong with me, what if I had reached the limit already?… Not that it matters now.**

Lucas doesn't think he had ever had a conversation as honest as now. There was nothing holding them back and maybe his not so unusual tears could prove that.

_Lucas, Yann is not going to leave you. He might just need some time. I know it's frustrating. People react like fools sometimes. Even the ones who cares for us can take a few days, sometimes a few months and sometimes they will never get it. But it's still important to talk. You'll have to spend your whole life telling others that you're gay or just drop some random “my boyfriend” during conversations. Even if you're scared, it's important to tell, because those around you can see that you're suffering but you don't let them know why._

**I didn't mean to keep this for so long. I just wondered if it wouldn't be better to not tell anyone, because I didn't wanted to be alone.**

_You're not alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Lucas, the closet is dark, narrow and it smells. You have no reason to go back in there, so embrace yourself okay? You have a whole amazing life out there waiting for you to own it. So live your life. And if someone has a problem with that, fuck them. Just tell them to fuck themselves okay?_

**Thank you Mika.**

Lighter.  
  
Not only Mika’s arms around him but also the conversation made him feel lighter. Every word he said was like a little weight coming off his shoulders. Mika was right, it did make him feel better even if the matter would still ache his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure nothing can hurt me anymore, for the amount of times I had to watch Samedi 14:32 to write this I'm pretty much invincible, not even Captain Marvel can hurt me now. Yes, I did copied a great part of that dialogue because it's just to beautiful to be edited and this Lucas deserves to listen it too. And also it is so much stronger in french fuck, now that I can understand some of it I realised how is more powerful than the english subtitles.
> 
> Also I'd like to say that the next chapter will come out earlier but it will be quite short, because it's more of a filling than an actual update on Lucas' story. 
> 
> Stay hydrated kids 💕


	7. Cleaning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter is from Manon point of view, but there is no need to have war flashbacks of her invading someone else's storyline, it's pretty small and you are still getting another chapter this weekend.

****There was this guilty inside her.

Manon couldn't stop overthinking about what happened. Two days ago she was crying on Lucas’ shoulders and she never realised. 

She knew he was crying too, she could feel his shaky breaths and trembling body, almost like he was holding himself, not letting the tears drop. But still she never realised it. Maybe if she had realised it, she wouldn't have walked in to him drowning in the bathtub. Maybe he wouldn't be on the hospital at this moment. 

Getting to the flat was something else. 

This night, she spent most of the time with Lisa, afraid that she might also slip while she wasn't looking and do something harsh. But now Lisa wasn't home and Mika was probably heading to the hospital already. So she found herself alone at the flatshare. Only her and the memories of last night.

Manon thought it would be easier to be at the flat, but having nothing to distract herself proved that wrong. She couldn't even stay still for too long. 

At first she stayed on the kitchen, trying to think of something she could eat, but she just accepted that there were no traces of appetite and that's skipping one meal wouldn't be bad. And that was when she decided to just stay at the sofa until Lisa came home. 

But that was also when she passed in front of it. And she stopped. And stared. Still looked the same, but it didn't feel like it used to. It wasn't  _ just _ a bathroom anymore. 

It wasn't a conscious decision, but when she came back to her mind she was already cleaning it. She cleaned all of it, from bottom to the top. The mirror, the tiles, the sink, the bathtub. If Mika was there he would say that he could probably eat on the floor for how shiny everything was. 

But she still wasn't satisfied. She wasn't comfortable. And that's how Manon found herself cleaning his bedroom. She organised his desk, tucked his clothes and changed the sheets. Also washed and moped the floor, opened the curtains. 

It wasn't surprising that after all of that not only the sun had already set but also Manon felt exhausted. She just plopped down on the bed and tried to avoid that although everything was sparkly clean, it still felt broken. Missing. 

Manon woke up by the morning. The sun was invading the room through the windows and she was bathed in this soft light. She could hear some noise at the kitchen, which she assumed it was Lisa. 

Because neither of her flatmates could cook for their life, she decided to go help her. She would already be at the kitchen if it wasn't for the ringtone. She knew that ringtone wasn't from her phone, but it was definitely on the room. She looked around and so she found it, over the desk, there was Lucas’ phone and the caller ID showed  _ his _ name. And God only knew how angry she was with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now on the next chapter: Yann's point of view.
> 
> Stay safe and hydrated my children💕


	8. Time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yann needed time and he could never know what the consequences for that would be.

He took his time.

It wasn't that the idea had to sunk in. He had no problems with what Lucas told him, what made him leave was his self disappointment.

He just needed to accept that sometime in this past year he became someone that his best friend didn't feel like he could open up. And that upset him, because he has known Lucas for so long and they have always trusted each other on important matters.

He can't remember any time that he wasn't with Lucas when he needed someone, he couldn't count how many times they hold each other while their world felt like it would crumble to the ground. But apparently he wasn't that person anymore.

Now, he understood why. He took the last day to try and understand why Lucas wouldn't talk to him first, why he hid all of that from him. He examined his little actions, unthought behaviour that may have cause so much hurt to the one he loved with a big part of his heart.

That's why on Sunday morning, while he sat alone at the couch, he reached for his phone and dialled #2. The first call wasn't answered, but some minutes passed onto the second one and Lucas picked up.

_What do you want?_

Okay, this isn’t Lucas, which is very strange in fact because Yann knows how he hardly lets anyone use his phone.  
  
**Manon? What are you doing on Lucas's phone?**  
  
_Why did you call him?_

Yann might not have been in a relationship for sometime, but he lived with his sister and his mom so he knew Manon was angry just by the tone of her voice.  
  
**I need to speak with him.** ****  
  
_You are not going to._

He had some fucking respect for Manon but he would like to know why she thought she could tell him if he would or not speak with Lucas and she still haven't even answered what she was doing on his phone.

 **Why is that?** ****  
  
_Why is that?! You don't even have a fucking clue, do you?_

Yann has never proud himself of being a patient person, but he desperately needed to talk to his best friend and Manon wasn't only not letting him, but being rude for no apparent reason as well.

**Fuck, calm down! What did I even do to you?**

_You don't realise how much you've hurt him... Fuck, he is in the hospital because of you._

His heart might just have skipped a beat. He sat upright, anxiety already crippling its way inside him.

**Wait... Lucas is in the hospital? What happened?**

_What happened? I found him drowning in the bathtub, that's what happened Yann!_

There was this uneasiness on the bottom of his stomach, making his insides churn and guilty rise.

 **...Which hospital?** ****  
  
_No, you are not going there._  
  
**Listen. You don't get to decide if I am going to see my best friend in the hospital or not. I've been here for way longer than you so you better tell me which fucking hospital he is at.**

It was almost like he had no control over his body now. He didn't decide to stand up and walk around, he didn’t do anything to stop his voice from rising and breaking. His head was in another place at the moment. 

_I might not have been his friend for as long as you, but I never drove him so far he wanted to end his life._

He dropped to the sofa as soon as the words struck him. What has he done?

_I'm gonna tell you, but you better fix this mess, Yann._

**Just tell me, please.**

He wrote the name of the hospital and when she ended the call, he let his hand drop to his side, weakly holding his phone.

He could feel his eyes stinging as he assimilated everything. Lucas was in the hospital because of him. Was it because he left? He couldn't understand, he just needed time.

He put a hand over his mouth to hold a gasp, he should protect Lucas, not push him to… to commit suicide.

He heard his sister coming to the room, yet he didn't moved. He listened as she stopped and went back to the corridor, probably reaching out to their mother for the muffled talking. The footsteps came quickly then and he found his mom in front of him.

She brushed her finger over the lonely tear that slid down his cheek as she squat down to face him.

_What's wrong, my dear?_

**It’s all my fault. I should have stayed, I should've been there.**

_What's happening, Yann? Tell us what's wrong._

**We need to go the hospital mom.**

_Why? Are you hurt?_

He shocked his head, letting other tears fall over. He could feel his family worrying as his mother wrapped her arms around him and his sister took a step forward, because they never see him cry. It was always Lucas who had to deal with his feelings.

**It's Lucas. He tried- He tried to kill himself mom.**

He heard his sister let out a gasp and his mom hold him tighter. He wouldn't lie and say that his world didn't feel like it was crumbling down and he know that was on him only to blame.

From then on, everything was like a blur. Showing his mom the hospital, gathering things to go, his mom telling his sister to stay. He needed Lucas and him only, so he could apologise and hold him and have his brother back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of context but I wanted to say that I just came home from watching Rocketman and I'm both a wreck and in love with one (1) movie, if someone wants to donate me money so I can rewatch it a zillion times I would appreciate that.
> 
> Back to work, this was Yann's chapter. I hope you all liked and I'm very excited for the next one.
> 
> Stay safe and hydrated (especially if you're gonna watch Rocketman, bc boi you'll cry rivers)💕


	9. The ones that stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas loves to observe people and because of that, he takes a bit too long to come back to his room, facing surprise visitors when he gets there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bienvenue mes chéries! So this is my favourite chapter and I've been waiting to post it excitedly, I hope you all like as much as I do. Remember, feedback is always appreciated and I love it very much.

Getting to know that he was allowed to wander in the hospital might have been the peak of his stay. One thing was staying in a hospital room for 3 days, confined to his own presence and thoughts, but walking around was entirely different. Lucas has always loved to watch people so it was not surprising that he decided to sit on the main hall and observe. 

Many passed through him. There were staff calmly talking to each other as well as some who run around, dragging him to imagine what emergency had demanded such a hurry. He particularly had his attention fixed on the other inpatients. Some of them, who had chapped lips and somewhat pale skin, wore warm clothes and he guessed they were going through chemo. Others had health equipment such as air cylinders, vogmasks, supports with IV bags or wheelchairs, he even saw some patients with nose tubes glued to their cheeks. There were children too, small ones to some that couldn't be much younger than him.

And of course there were the ones that appeared normal, maybe could even pass as companions, and he guessed he fit into this category. There was nothing you could see on them and play guess on what was going on. No broken bones, no bandaged skin, not even a crutch. He wondered what he looked like and what would someone guess that happened with him. If they note the constant fiddling, his messy hair, the bags beneath his eyes or maybe the broken heart inside. 

He doesn't know how long he stayed there, but he noticed how everything was noisier and he assumed it was near lunch time. He came here after an unpleasant discovery that his throat felt rough and maybe that, in addition to the emotional rollercoaster, could be why he has been losing his appetite so easily. He considered not even going back to his room, but he knew that if he wasn't there, Bernie would have to leave the food anyways and then it would be cold when he got back, making it even harder for him to eat.

Lucas made his way for the room, going through corridors he would still get to know well. He wouldn't say that he got lost, but rather that he took his time. Arriving at his wing, he saw the nurse at their reception desk.

**Hello Bernie.**

_ Lucas. I hope you like soup, because that's lunch for today, yours it's already at the table. _

**Okay, thanks.**

_ Oh and Lucas your friend is waiting for you in there. _

He was already wondering why Mika would be back so quickly, since he left a bit before Lucas headed to the hall. But when he saw Jeanie at the door, his heart stopped for a millisecond. She was facing the inside and couldn't see him, which he took as an opportunity to take a deep breath and get to the door.

She must have heard him coming closer, because she turned to him and opened her so usual smile. 

_ Hello my little one. _

**Hi Jeanie.**

She opened her arms and he let himself be embraced by her warm hug. Lucas allowed himself to feel more vulnerable than he had in a very long time. On her arms he was just his tiny self, being held on Yann’s house because he scraped his knee after she told them to not run on the wet yard.

_ Would you still write an essay on how much you love my jam? _

He let a wobbly chuckle out as she handed him a pot of her traditional berry jam. Lucas has always been amazed by Yann’s mother ability to brighten even the darkest moments. Back when he stayed days and days at their house, he accidentally called her mom. He got so embarrassed that he apologised multiple times, Jeanie then crouched down to look him in the eyes and told him there was no problem at all, because she already considered him a son for a long time. 

Lucas was still staring at his hands when  _ he _ called his attention. There were only the three of them at the room so it was impossible for Lucas to pretend he hasn't noticed him there. He looked up and gazed at Yann with teary eyes already. Jeanie held his shoulders, turning his attention, and kissed his forehead.

_ I’ll leave you two to talk. _

He kept his gaze at the floor as he walked to the bed and sat at the edge of it, he knew Yann stood near the window so he made sure that he would be facing him if he had the courage to look up. He could hear Yann's feet tapping on the floor, which was always an anxious habit of him. The silence was louder and louder by each second that passed and Lucas really thought he wouldn't be able to take it anymore, but that was when Yann said something.

_ You promised you would never try something like this. _

Lucas expected Yann to bring this up, but a part of him hoped he wouldn't. He didn't like to think about those days, when his home life was more of a turmoil than ever. He didn't go as far as he did this time, but he vented about his dark thoughts to his best friend.

**I'm sorry-**

_ No, hold on. I shouldn't have left you like that, I promised I would always be there. _

The truth was that this talk took more of him than he hoped it would. He was already used to fight tears, but holding them in front of his best friend was way harder than normal. He didn't know how to react or what to say, he was just tired of keeping things from Yann, of being in the dark.

**It's okay… I get if you are disgusted; or if you hate me-**

_ Wait a second, is that why you think I left? I have no problem with you being gay Lucas... I couldn't ever be disgusted by you or- _

**Then why did you? Why did you left me crying there?**

What Yann said was a bit of like a blow in the stomach, not that it hurt him or anything like that, but certainly took the ground beneath his feet. He was holding on to the possibility of Yann hating him as his lifeline, it gave meaning to what happened. He didn't mean to sound so harsh, but he couldn't control it as well.

_ It wasn't because of you. It just that... We always trusted each other to open up, when things were rough at home or when the stuff with Emma happened, I always went to you. And I could see you were hurting, but now you weren't talking and it wasn't that you weren't doing it at all, you did talked but only not with me. _

Yann sounded hurt and Lucas hated it. He truly never wanted to hurt any of his friends, he just wanted to stop hurting at all. 

**I really am sor-**

_ No stop, you don't have to be sorry. That's why I needed time, because I needed to realise where I went wrong, because I suddenly wasn't someone you trusted enough to talk.  _

**I trust you Yann, I was just scared.**

_ Exactly, you were scared because you thought "Yann won't understand, he's not going to get it". And now I get why you would think that. There were so many times when I joked about you being gay and I see now, I would've never done that type of joke if I knew I could be hurting you. You're my brother Lucas, I never wanted you to be scared of me not accepting you. _

**I'm your brother?**

_ Yeah, I mean I have always considered you the brother I never had. Any circumstances, in any parallel universe, could ever change that.  _

After he heard that, Lucas didn't wait a second to hug Yann. The other boy wasn't surprised by that too, they knew words could be misunderstood and both of them were tired of misunderstanding.

_ I'm so sorry I left you on Friday, I can't possibly imagine how you felt. _

**It's okay... I mean it isn't, but you're probably thinking I did what I did because of that. It wasn't, it really wasn't, I think it was just the last string you know? You know I had always had those thoughts and then with the prospect of not having you by my side... it scared the hell out of me.**

_ Don't you ever think I'm not with you okay? I love you and it hurts me to see you hurting. Please don't go through something like that without reaching out to me. I'm here, I promise. _

Lucas exhaled, not even aware of how long he has been holding his breath. The lonely tear running down his cheek felt more freeing than it looked. However, something wasn't fitting.

**How did you know I was here?**

_ I called you, but Manon picked it up and told me what happened, I came as soon as possible. I never knew I could get as frightened as I did when she told me she found you. I think what scared me the most is that I can't picture a life without you. _

Lucas knows most have this misconception of suicidal people. That when someone is suicidal they don't tend to think about their beloved ones, but it is quite the opposite. He might have been impulsive with Friday decision, but many months before, when the idealisations were way more frequent than he would ever be proud to admit, his head was all about the ones that cared. And it ache in a way he couldn't put in words. To wonder if you will make those you love suffer and have this tiny voice telling you that they would get over it faster than you imagine or maybe even acknowledging they would hurt but still being too tired of trying, the voice telling you to give up being stronger than yourself.

Now, he knows what it's like for the ones that stay. He wouldn't mention, but he saw how it affected them. How Manon needs to hold him, make sure he's still there. How Mika’s expression has changed, how it shows seriousness when it didn't before. Jeanie might feel as sunny as she always did, but he saw the flicker in her face, the worry and motherly love mixing with the facade. And then there's Yann. He has known for a little more than a couple of hours, it didn't mean it wouldn't struck Lucas harder than the others did. It was all about the eyes, how his eyes were red around the edges, taking a bit too much to watch his friend, almost as to confirm it is real, that he really survived, that it's not all a dream and he died after the water filled his organs. 

Lucas never wants to see them like this again. He doesn't want them to carry this weight forever, but it feels like there is nothing to do other than apologize.

**I'm really sorry Yann.**

_ We are gonna be okay, Lucas. _

The power these carried reverberated, there were no need for more words and both of them knew that. They hugged each other for as long as they needed and Lucas couldn't keep the smile when he felt Yann kiss his shoulder as they backed away. He looked over his friend and was just then reminded of the meal waiting for him at the table.

**So… Are you hungry?**

_ I would be lying if I said no. _

**We can share that, otherwise I don't think I will be able to finish it by myself.**

_ That's alright… Oh! By the way, the jam is the blackberry one! _

And with that Lucas was already at his feet. He sure would write an essay over Jeanie’s confit abilities, but he could write a whole book over his favourite flavour. He pulled the table over the bed where him and Yann sat while sharing the meal. It could be a simple gesture, but it was different this time. 

Lucas let himself laugh when Yann made a mess while trying to open the pot and spilled soup all over the tray and he just felt that everything would be alright in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are at the final takes my dears and things will start to diverge way more from canon now. Although, we might have a bit of a delay on the next chapters, because I'm now entering exams season and I'll also have a swim meet next Sunday, I'll do my best and try to post as soon as possible.
> 
> Stay lovely and hydrated 💕


	10. Finally out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final day in the hospital finally comes but Lucas still has to battle his mind, old memories and habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who is finally back yay, I'll explain more on why it took me months to actually write this on the end notes but yeah sorry about that. 
> 
> Just to help a little because this chapter is formatted a little bit different.  
> Italics on the beginning -Lucas' memories by the Narrator  
> Normal on the beginning -Maman's lines  
> Bold " " " -Lucas' lines   
> From J’envoie Valser until the end:  
> Bold -Lucas' lines  
> Italic -Characters' lines   
> Normal -Narrator  
> Between "" - texts
> 
> That's it, all set to continue.

_Lucas jumped up from a dream of broken glasses. He hated the shoutings, it made him uneasy and scared so as soon as his father voice started to rise he would wish upon drifting to sleep. Yet, now it was silent, too silent and he didn't like silence._

_He had to jump from his bed so his tiny feet would finally touch the wooden floor. A part of him envied Yann, because he could already reach the floor when sitting, no need to stretch or even try, just put them down and there it was; but the other part of Lucas loved to swing his legs and he knew that if they were any longer that wouldn't be possible._

_So, yeah, he could live with his small legs for now, what would a boy his age even need legs for apart from leading him places? They took him to his mother's bedroom just fine and that was enough for him. He didn't knock on the door because he didn't know if she was awake and he would hate to startle her, so he just slowly pushed the heavy white door, taking a look inside._

_Sitting in front of the dressing table, there was an untouched wine glass before her. He didn't know why wine changed people, slowed them, but he did know it wasn't a good sign. Yet, there was no makeup laid around and he thought that was good._

_He didn't like when there was makeup. Sometimes he would walk in and she would be crying, covering up the colorful patches on her face. In his eyes, people cried when they were hurt. Lucas couldn't get why she would put on makeup if it hurt so much, so he just accepted that this was the type of thing you only get when older. Until then, he could hold her hand and kiss her temple, just like the way she would do to make him stop hurting._

_He didn't care about the marks painted on her face, the same color of her favourite wine that she usually would be drinking when there was makeup. It was still his beautiful maman and he didn't see why she would feel the need to cover beauty up._

_But he knows the no makeup didn't mean she wouldn't get scared. He had to be careful, because she is always more alert after the shoutings._

**_Maman?_ **

_He may have spoken softly, but he was sure moms had a super hearing when it came to their kids because she was now looking at him through the mirror, no more frowning. He continued a little louder._

**_Can you sing to me?_ ** ****

_He was still clutching the door, giving his mom the space and the option of approaching him. She crouched down to his level and Lucas leaned in to the hand on his cheek._

My beautiful boy.

_He took her hand, noticing how it still looked teeny compared to her delicate one. Lucas let himself be led to his bed while she mumbled J’envoie Valser._

He startled up awake. Looking around, he realised he was all alone in the dark. Definitely no singing. Only silence. He felt heavy, pressured and so decided against keeping his eyes open. He had seen that it was early morning from the clock by the wall, but even knowing the nurses could start entering his room any time soon he curled into a ball, facing the window beside his bed. This couldn't possibly be a good day.

He only wished that things could run more calmly, but, by how constricted his heart felt, he guessed that wasn't an option for him. But maybe he wasn't sad, just actually apprehensive. 

Lucas might have been scared of telling Yann about himself, but that came nowhere close how coming out to his mom made him feel. He couldn't ever say he was a courageous boy, he feared many things, even the simplest ones. Thunders, dogs, spiders, silence, clowns, every stereotypical kid’s fear out there. He lied to Eliott when he said he wasn't afraid of the dark, even more so of being alone in it. But even if he was easily scared, he couldn't name one thing that frightened him to his bones.

That changed during the past years.

Lucas knew he had always been a mommy's boy, which might have caused him great heartbreak when things were rough, but it was his lifeline. He knew he could run to her for comfort when she was in a good place and that was something he would tightly hold on to. However, he started to realise his true self and his feelings around the same time his parents were breaking up and that was when everything fell apart. 

Perhaps he shouldn't say that was when things started to fall apart, because deep down he knew that wasn't the case. Lucas always knew it was his fault. His mom was happy when she was younger. She had been thriving with his father, back when they were happy and there were no shattered glasses or cherry wine colour patches. No, not patches, bruises. He knew now what those were. But even then, when the shouting had already started, she was still sunny, kept on with the lightness.

He didn't want to but he had to admit that the reason why his parents marriage crumbled down and his mother sub consequent spiral down was himself. She changed after he left. And he only left because of Lucas. It could only be Lucas' fault. His dad was there. He only left after Lucas said it, after Lucas ruined it. So it had to be his fault that she snapped, there was no other explanation. Maybe if he hadn't said it, he wouldn't have left, mom wouldn't have broken.

 ** _Father, why are those people angry at them?_** **_Aren't they loving each other?_**

It all started because of his lack of sense and self control, cause that changed his father and his changing was the beginning of the end. The beginning of his mother meltdown. The beginning of the hiding, of the heavy feeling on Lucas’ chest. 

_Because that’s wrong, sickening._

Maybe Lucas could say his already existing self hatred and internalized homophobia led him to feel like his heart was being squeezed into isolation and darkness by his own chest, but what he really believed now was that the responsibility for all this tightness laid upon keeping this huge part of him to the one whom could vanish his tears away simply by holding him and whispering kind words.

That doesn't mean, however, he regretted the decision of hiding it, given that it kept him safe, in its own twisted, damaged way, but still safe. No risks were taken and no rewards received. Lucas liked to see that way: sure he didn't get any solace, but he wasn't hurting more than usual, so it balanced it all out. He slowly became a master on bottling everything up. Crying himself out of numbness wasn't really a problem if he got to keep this one secret for as long as he felt like it.

And then he didn't. 

The day had started much like this one. A big, consuming darkness around his heart. He stayed in bed for most of the time, letting himself be swallowed by his hoodie and the covers, allowing himself to feel numb after a long time. No crying, no releases, no anything. Just clinching on to the hopelessness as a reason to not try at all. The day went on and not even his friends were able to tune out the white noise and the dim edges off his vision, their decision to go to the party only making it worse. Then, it all happened. Being honest about it, Lucas felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest, the so hated numbness taking its place. 

Lucas did what he does better, fought the numbness. Punched it away from his body. It does sound controversial, people in those situations sometimes might appreciate feeling nothing, but he loathed it. It reminded him of too dark times, too dim thoughts. He would do anything to give an end to it, anything needed.

He needed her arms around him. Holding him, caressing him, nursing him. But he couldn't have that, cause if she knew this part of him he would no longer have her. A motherless son. So instead of dialling her number, instead of reaching out, he stayed with his tears. Stayed on that pitch black street, embracing himself for minutes on end before walking to the flat while controlling his unsteady hicc-

_Lucas?_

He could now recognise the nurses by their voices, yet it didn't mean he could acknowledge their presence, not today. The lights being turned on burned his eyes even through his eyelids, but that might have been only the sting of tears. He kept on in the same position as well with the composed breathing as he heard steps through the room, maybe if he appeared to be sleeping they wouldn't try to wake him up. Still, he felt a hand on his shoulder and there was no use in acting.

_It's your last day here, how do you feel?_

He didn't need to guess how broken he appeared because the look on Marianne’s face told him everything he needed. He still hasn't moved when she keeps on talking, knowing that he is listening now.

_You'll have a session with Dr.Arnoux during the afternoon and she will sign you off when your friend from yesterday gets here to accompany you home._

**Isn't a guardian supposed to do that?**

The words get out before he can control it and the quivering on it sends shivers all over his body. He decides to communicate with the least talk possible.

_Yes, your friend’s mother is actually the one who Dr.Anoux will be signing you off to._

Oh, he had forgotten Jeanie was made one of his guardian after his mother’s breakdown. Did that mean she was the one informed of his entry? It couldn't be, but asking would just make it easier.

**My father?**

Having already opened his curtains, set his breakfast and helped him sit up, Marianne was set to leave. She didn't even battle an eye as she strangled it, sounding minimally revolted. 

_He has been contacted._

It could only be guessing but Lucas understood why she would sound angered. It couldn't ever be easy to watch neglect and have absolutely no say on it. He stirred the food around his plate as he thought about it.

Lucas has seen his father with his new family around the streets of Paris. How he treats children that aren't even his. He has seen the care and affection, something he never really felt from the man. He always thought that his father was heartless, but now he sees that it's not that he wasn't capable of love, but rather that he just wasn't capable of loving Lucas.

Because why else would a man go all the way from not giving his son his rightful pension to not even visiting him in the hospital after a suicide attempt? That could be expected from a man addicted to giving his wife cherry wine patches and breaking his kid self esteem.

Well, it's not like Lucas was hungry before but he certainly didn't have any will to eat on him after that.

///

He woke up again with Alice’s hand on his arm. He doesn't know why she hadn't come with Yann and Jeanie on the day before but it was nice seeing her. Knowing his best friend’s little sister, he would guess she was there in order to miss afternoon classes, but the way she was delicately caressing his arm contested that.

He silently gazed to the outside window, seeing that it was almost dusk already, he then shifted his stare to the corridor one, seeing that the nurses already knew he had woken up and that Yann was entering the room. He shifted slightly on the bed, catching Alice’s attention.

_Hey nerd, you good?_

Lucas would answer her if it wasn't for his stomach rumbling loudly. Maybe he could dismiss it if Yann wasn't getting by his bed. “Are you hungry?” If it wasn't those eyes implying so much. “Do you want a snack?” If Yann didn't know how Lucas would deceive his questions, he could try to do it, but his best friend knew every little trick.

**Hungry.**

He shuffled on the bed to give Yann space and moved on to eat whatever was on the tray beside them. Meanwhile, Yann and Alice talked about their day at school, bickering at each other whenever possible. The boy went on what subjects Lucas had missed, to which he would humm softly as response.

_I haven't told Le Gang. I didn't know what or even if I should say something._

He honestly didn't know how or when he was going to tell them, but he was glad Yann didn't say anything to them, so he gave him a slight nod in response.

_I saw Eliott today too…_

“Eliott at school? That’s unusual” He thought, but there was no need to say it when he could only shrug his shoulders.

_Do you want me to tell him about it?_

Lucas denied vehemently, for what Yann rethought his decision of asking, now afraid that his friend would work himself up over it and that he should have the silence sink in just as his sister has been doing. However, the teens had their attention deflected by the knocks on the already opened door, where stood both Jeanie and Dr.Arnoux, the later one speaking immediately.

_Are you ready Lucas?_

He nodded again and while she set herself and made the trivial questions about his day, Lucas kept mostly non-verbal, to what she didn't object even if she looked at Yann and Alice with worry. When he felt like there was nothing else to be answered, she handed him an organiser.

 _Lucas, here are your pills, those will help with your anxiety and insomnia, having to take them twice a day. Nurse Bernadette will fill you up on the possible side-effects as soon as she has finished the explanation for your guardian. Now, we will have sessions once a week, when I will refill your organizers. I'm giving you my contact as well as a list of helplines in case you ever need them. Don’t forget: you'll be alright Lucas_.

He nodded softly as he held on to both the organiser and Yann’s arm, longing to be signed off and go home. He says goodbye to the doctor as they head to the door where Bernie had just finished explaining the medications to Jeanie and both women turn to him.

_Okay Lucas, as I was explaining to..._

He knows he is supposed to pay attention to that but he couldn't do it even if he wanted to. Lucas just wants to go home and knowing that he can't do it, because in the moment he has no actual home, it's consuming him. 

He sees Bernie gestures and how she points to each compartment while talking, yet he processes none of it. His eyes are focused on another nurse, coming from behind her with a bag full of stuff, which she hands it to Bernie that then hands it to him, making him zoom back in.

_Your friend brought your belongings earlier today so here they are, you are allowed to go now Lucas. Take care of yourself okay?_

**Will do, thanks Bernie.**

He turns around and head to the bathroom so that he can change into his own clothes. He didn't really realised how uncomfortable the hospital ones were until he put on his favourite hoodie. As soon as he got out he felt a hand on his waist, seeing Jeanie followed by her children. 

The four of them head away, to the parking lot and then to the car. Lucas slides in the back with Yann and as soon as he settles in, he begins to look through the backpack. He wasn't actually surprised that there wasn't much stuff, after all it was just what he would need to make it out of the hospital, but at least his phone was there.

He wasn't exactly eager to check out everything he had missed on the last 3 days, so he just settled to watch the streets through the window. Not checking his phone didn't mean he wouldn't think about what he might see when he turns it on.

He actually didn't know if he was more scared of the possibles messages he might have got from his father, his mother or Eliott. The first one couldn't really make him feel any worse than his father usually does and he honestly didn't know if there was any left of his heart for Eliott to break, but with his mother there was an actual risk that he didn't want to take it.

He hadn't realised he was picking at his nails til Yann took his hands on his own and Lucas knew that was a request to stop. He kept their hands together as physical grounding for the question he just needed to ask now.

**Jeanie?**

_Yes?_

He said so quietly that it could have been lost in the sounds of the car and the streets, but Jeanie somehow still managed to hear it. Lucas still took some time to actually ask the question, holding Yann’s hands tighter as he spoke.

**Did you tell my mom?**

_No sweetheart. I think that's something she has to hear from you, don't you agree?_

**Yeah, I guess.**

Lucas then shifted his eyes to his bag, considering if he should or not check his phone. He decided to do it, just end that already. He took his phone on his other hand, feeling that Yann was watching.

The phone transitions have never felt so longstanding but right now it was almost torturing. He tried focusing on how Yann was caressing his hand when the phone started vibrating with all the notifications from the past 4 days. 

Lucas didn't even need to unlock it to see she had sent something. He looked at Yann that gave him a reassuring nod and squeezed his hand before letting go. He opened the texts.

_“Coucou, how have you been holding up?”_

_“I've got some good news today: not only I'll be out of the clinic soon but visiting hours have also been extended!_

_Maybe you can visit me when you have a break. Bisous.”_

_“Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away._

_We’ll get through this.”_

_“I love you my darling.”_

The messages were spread out through the days and his heart hurt so much knowing that his mother might think he hasn't replied because he doesn't care. His mind wouldn't be able to send anything that took real effort and it wasn't like he could tell everything by test, so he set to quickly type only one thing.

**“I love you too maman.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I really to start this by apologising for taking soo long to update. The thing was that the last update (chapter 9) was actually a day after my own attempt and after that I just kinda distanced myself from everything I doing at the time, including this. So it took a lot of time to write whole because I never seemed to find the right words, but I finally did it and I swear it won't take long for the next and last chapter.
> 
> Next on the journey of Lucas n°24: Lucas finally decides to talk to his maman.
> 
> Stay lovely and hidrated everyone 💕.


End file.
